What Would Jesus Text With?

Sometimes in life, one must ponder the big questions. Some are forever unanswerable, like whether or not the fridge light goes off when you close the door, or why anyone drinks Coronas (which are freaking disgusting; why does a beer that needs a slice of lemon to be potable exist), or how Abbott got elected – you know, the unfathomable mysteries. But there are some questions we can answer, or at least make an educated guess towards, and as a Science major, I feel it is my duty to tackle them. And so it is with today’s topic. What would bible peeps buy if they were alive today? Follow me, dear reader, on a journey of discovery.

First, let’s get Jesus out of the way. I figure he’d have a first-generation iPhone with one of those cases that make them indestructible. See, it’d have to be cheap, because he didn’t seem to have a lot of money, but then why not get one of those twenty dollar brick phones? Well, he spent a lot of time walking around preaching about loving thy neighbour and stuff, and he’d have needed navigation on his phone, especially now that landmarks in that part of the world keep getting blown up by the locals and those pesky Americans. And it’d be awkward if Jesus started overturning tables and yelling at merchants before realising he was actually at a peace talk in Baghdad. It would also need to have a camera, to take photos of all that fish and bread he made. I can see it now: “Nobody touch anything till I get a photo of it all and put it online!”. Well at least that’s what my uncle did. The indestructible case is a must-have too; the Romans were after him, so I imagine he would have had a few narrow escapes.

What about Joseph? I reckon he’d have the same brick phone he bought ten years ago at a sale for ten-year-old phones. He strikes me as the sort of person who’s completely absorbed in his carpentry and nothing else. I mean, you’d have to be pretty distracted if your wife told you that she was a pregnant virgin and not follow that up, right? I think he would have invested his techno-money instead in power tools. I can see it now; he’s got an entire set of DeWalt laser guiders and power saws hanging in his garage, although they’re virtually inaccessible due to the wood scraps strewn across the ground. He was probably building new shelving he didn’t need when Mary gave him the news and didn’t hear a thing over his new jig saw. Or if he did, he was probably excited at the prospect of building a cot.

And Mary? She’s probably got a Macbook Air in order to play Farmville (which, incidentally, is what the Macbook Air is both outstandingly, and only, good at) with all ten of her Facebook friends. Every now and again though, she would pause the game in order to keep up her policy of commenting on every damn photo her son’s tagged in about how proud she is of him and how Fido just had puppies. ‘You turned water into wine? I’m so proud of you xx’, or, ‘we had that order to murder everyone under the age of two – you would’ve been too young to remember this love….’ The good thing is, when she has a problem with her computer – which people of her demographic inevitably will, constantly – Jesus can at least explain that he doesn’t know Macs. As for the phone? I’d say an iPhone 6; it has a pretty screen with great Farmville viewing angles, friendly-looking icons, links to her computer, etc. I would imagine, though, that she wouldn’t have gone for the child phone-trackers, since Jesus was, you know, literally God, so he was probably fine on his own.

What about some other biblical figures? I reckon Judas would’ve had a Blackberry; politicians seem to love them, Judas was a backstabber – you know, standard link there. The three wise men probably didn’t have very good phones if they resorted to following a star through the night so I figure they’re probably those ‘wise’ men who make pseudo-deep comments about how technology is bad in some new obscure way whilst everyone else tries to change the topic. Peter would’ve gotten exactly the same phone Jesus had, probably at three times the price, being the creepy friend that follows him everywhere. Pontius Pilate would have owned the latest generation Samsung Galaxy, and we all know how much Galaxy users hate iPhone users; I have no difficulty seeing him nail poor old Jesus to a cross, crucifying him for the heinous crime of not knowing emails load 0.3% faster on a Galaxy.

And Mary Magdelene? Any smartphone, so long as it had Tinder.