The perfect game in the perfect place at the perfect time for the perfect price.

When I move house there’s a little few weeks of time elapsing before I get off my arse and figure out how to set up an internet connection. This usually doesn’t matter much as I’ll be busy with other stuff, but once I’ve sat on a cardboard box to watch the 2003 Australian Idol final for the 8th time I start to want the internet and open up a browser. Of course, without a connection, chrome gives me a cute pixelated dinosaur and a cactus, telling me that my internet is all dried up like a desert or extinct reptile respectively.

I had seen this image for years before a friend mentioned it being a game. “WHAAAAAT” I whispered incredulously. This was amazing news. All I had to do was press space bar and suddenly my cute little friends came to life. The mechanic is simple. Dinosaur runs through desert toward cactus, press space to jump over cactus, repeat for high score and rejoice. There’s just enough variety and challenge as you play to keep you interested too. The little dino speeds up and some pterodactyls pop up as day turns to night. It’s all quite charming.

And before you know it you’ve probably got you’re sketchy free wifi access back and the internet returns without a hitch. Lovely. Without even having to ask or pay this little game pops up right where and when its meant too. This happens from time to time with computers and it got me thinking about other examples. Snake on old uranium-green-back-lit brick phones is a good example. You had your phone with you and you couldn’t afford a pay as you go text thread with your one friend during an awkward train ride so you looked like you were still texting while actually just playing snake. So sneaky. The little pixels moving around and eating while getting a little harder each time was just enough to keep you going at the right time.

Then there’s minesweeper. Windows was an expensive and fancy acquisition in the late nineties/early naughties so you would fire up your new computer, wait patiently for the OS to boot and then explore how many amazing things your new “ELECTRONIC COMPUTATOR” was capable of. The Windows system still tried to sell itself back then. You had all the inbuilt things like paint, wordpad, explorer and GaMeS!!. Like it still does, except for the games. The games, as far as I could tell, were just there because they’re great, why not include them. They were an essential part of office procrastination capability. Minesweeper and solitaire were clever little things you could leave in a minimised window at any time, come back to and puzzle over. Visually unobtrusive while still prettier than Sudoku. They showed that this machine can support games as well I guess, advertising. But really they were just this fantastic given.

Maybe with the internet and browsers as a given people just relied on flash games more and more until good old minesweeper seemed obsolete. Though something was lost with it’s departure, that sense of complementary service and feeling of buying into an exciting new world with the tech you were using. Cue the rise of the chrome dino.

-W

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I’m on a bus!

I’ve only recently started catching the bus to work everyday. This is because I live on a good bus route and now think buses are great. How can people who live far away on bad bus routes with no other transport options possibly have issues with riding the bus. No, it’s these people who must be stuck up, surely.

One thing I’ve noticed while busing it is that there’s a ton of cars on the road. So many cars. I guess there would be in a sprawling high income city. None of them can fly though. At least not in a controlled way. Hmm.

As a kid I remember seeing ads for Mars exploring LEGO sets. They had little bug-eyed aliens riding pneumatic tubes like in Futurama. This is the way to go I think. Like money packets at Woolies.

The bus will have to do for now.

-W

Automated Cars – Hmm….

So, on the back of Elon Musk’s announcement that he didn’t care about stock traders, it’s occurred to me that he might not have fully thought through the idea of an automated car either. See, it’s been well established that if all cars were automated, they would need constant communication with one another a-la 14 year old texters, and that the easiest way of doing so would be to run them off a network. It obviously follows then that this system could be abused.

Now, I’m as restrained as they come. Just the other day, when a colleague I dislike tried to interact with me, I refrained from saying that they’re a judgemental naive entitled dim-witted self-centred waste of eukaryote cells. And as for morality, the other day, I bought an entire roll of recycled toilet paper. If I were to rate my restraint and morality on a scale of one to ten, I would rate it whatever your number is plus one.

But even I would be corrupted by the potential for cars to be operated remotely. That guy that cut me off in traffic a couple of days ago? If I had my way, they would be promptly parked on the shoulder for five minutes using their headlights to blink in Morse Code the words “I’m a cock”, and have their airbag deployed to punch them in the face for good measure. That person who took five entire minutes to overtake one car? I would set their speed to 200 but give manual control of their steering. That guy who pointed out my misspelling of the word “fuckwit” on a YouTube comment? I’d set the nearest car to run them down.

Then there’s the opportunities for entertainment. Imagine if a trucker’s rally were to be hijacked and their trucks were aligned to say “invest in rail”, or even just a penis, from the sky. I’m not saying it should be done or would be funny, but I will say that if it were done I would find it funny and approve.

And imagine if the ruler was driving. I would have cars in front of me part to let me through just for the power-trip. And then, if I were hosting some powerful foreign power’s president or something, I’d probably get all the cars to do donuts to impress them. And if any of the occupants protested I would disconnect their air conditioning and play Call Me Maybe in their cars on max volume until they changed their minds. Hell, I could even do that if they expressed views I disagreed with. Complain about the Star Wars prequels? Get ready to be Call Me Maybe‘d. Express a whiff of support for anime? You better believe it. Support One Nation? Haha, just kidding, I know they can’t afford a new car.

I’ve actually decided that automated cars are a great idea. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some boat-people hate and gay marriage support lines to recite.

-Z

The right cubicle

Have you ever entered a public bathroom and wondered how your life turned into such a dismal failure? Well, too bad, I don’t care – I’m just here to give you advice on which cubicle to choose. It’ll literally give you direction, so you know, it might help.

1: Assess the numbers
In the bathroom I use most frequently to ponder my mistakes in life, there are four cubicles. Of course, it  follows that, should all four cubicles be occupied, you’re not going to be able to sit down and reflect on what might have been if you’d better written that selection criteria any time soon. Now, the big question in the case that all cubicles are occupied is: should you wait in the toilet or leave and try your luck again in an hour or so? This depends on how long other regretful individuals are likely to take in their respective cubicles, which is, as far as I can tell, a constant across the public service, and the number of cubicles in the toilet itself, which is the key variable. If I were the only person waiting, and there are seven or more cubicles, I would sit it out. As for my frequented toilet, I tend to leave – four cubicles is far too few and if you start thinking about your losses in life with a glazed expression whilst standing you might seem a little creepy to the next person that leaves. However, if there are any spare cubicles, you can advance to the next step.

2: Survey the layout
There are three major cubicle attributes which I consider whilst simultaneously wondering why I didn’t put as much effort as this into that thesis which could have guaranteed me a place in postgrad research:
-Distance to the exit;
-Number of shared walls with other cubicles;
-Proximity to an exhaust.
The first point is fairly straightforward – walking time within a public toilet is time not spent thinking about your friends’ superior achievements – the less time spent on it the better. The second point is similarly simple; shit literally happens here, and you don’t want the fact that your two cubicle neighbours each had a particularly good kebab to distract you from your parents’ constant reminders that your achievements are quite underwhelming given you used to be amazing in school – halving your cubicle neighbour count halves the chances of that happening. The last point, however, is rather interesting and related to the second point. See, intuitively, you might want to be near the exhaust, as the fumes from your literal and metaphorical excrements of failure would be removed here, right? Well, yes, but, so is everyone else’s. What’s actually going to happen is that the fumes of everyone in the toilet will be funnelled towards your cubicle. Therefore, stay away from exhaust areas, like windows.

3: Safety checks
Once you have selected your optimal cubicle, safety considerations are mandatory:
-Cleanliness of the cistern;
-Contents of the cistern;
-Remaining amount of toilet paper;
-Abundance of reading material.
The first two points are, again, fairly straightforward. Your life is already shit, you don’t need other people to add their own to it. However, if your selected cubicle fails these two points, check if they can be remedied using toilet paper and a simple flush; unlike your life, a cistern can still have a fresh new start. This underlines the third point, though – you really do need toilet paper, unfortunately. As farcical as toilet visits may be, chances are, you still probably do need to actually use its intended function. The last point, though, is a double-edged sword. See, some of the most entertaining reading I’ve had (well, at least prior to my introduction to internet forums) were on public toilet walls. It could be a hugely uplifting experience. On the other hand, though, is that what you really came for? Don’t risk breaking your wallowing despair about that assignment result which started you on your descent by laughing at a racist message about petrol sniffing. Plus, if you end up laughing out loud, your cubicle neighbours might think you’re a freak.

Anyway, I just look at memes and play games on my phone when I’m in a public toilet.

-Z

Sea urchins around the coast of Australia actually drill into rocks to make their homes.

A paper published in the open access journal PLoS one in February 2018 has revealed the secretive mining habits of some of California’s familiar coastal neighbours. Purple sea urchins are often found by divers and snorkelers. They can be seen nestled in little pits and crevasses which seem just the right size, hiding themselves away from the outside world like blog readers in a bed or office cubicle.

These animals hug the coastline, similar to other species around world which seem to fit in similarly neat little holes in the rock. The east coast of Australia harbours one such species, also called the purple urchin, Heliocidaris erythrogramma . 

The scientists in California looked at whether the urchins were actually digging the holes in the rock that they kept seeing them nestled in so neatly – too neatly – and surprise surprise, yes, they did! The scientists then went further, and looked at how fast they could dig these holes in different types of rocks, and found they dug holes faster in softer mud-stone than in sandstone.

It’s interesting that this fact manages to be new to science in 2018. A ubiquitous beach side neighbour to millions of people is busily conducting council unapproved earthworks, and likely have for as long as they lived here. Like a series end twist reveal on Home and Away or the climax of a prison escape film.

“Good god! They’re digging through the rocks!!”

There is something very exciting, though, about how this kind of large scale behaviour of such a ubiquitous animal can still be an untested mystery,  just waiting for someone with enough curiosity to look deeper. Indeed, the scientists who have discovered the rock pitting behaviour of the purple sea urchin have posed many more unanswered questions.

The world’s oceans are changing rapidly, especially in the areas of high human expansion and activity around the coast and inter-tidal zones. The paper’s authors also wondered whether the rates of these urchins pit drilling was also changing. How much could it be affecting coastal erosion of temperate reefs?

There are many examples of big impacts the activities of these slow little creatures can have on the environment. Increased urchin numbers have contributed to the destruction of the giant kelp forests in southern Tasmanian waters. Decreasing numbers of lobsters, which prey on the urchins, allows them to flourish and eat the base of kelp undeterred. They might move slowly and not seem like much, but when conditions change they can have huge effects en-masse and their potential is not always a reflection of what it first appears.

The discovery that sea urchins might be trying to get a foot in the mining industry just goes to show that there is great potential in the lives of even the meekest creatures around us. Even weird little spiky balls under the sea. It’s also an encouraging reminder that there are always valuable questions to ask about the world around us. There’s always an adventure to be had nearby. Next time you go to the beach and have a snorkel keep an eye out for your sleepy rock drilling urchin neighbours and have a think about what else they might be up to.

-W

The research paper can be viewed in the following link: http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0191278

 

The ‘right’ way to pronounce it

Have you ever wondered if you were pronouncing your foreign friend’s name correctly? Well, I’m guessing not – you probably have better things to do with your time, but I’m going to give you my opinions on this anyway because I foolishly slept on a Sunday afternoon and am thus in an annoyingly alert haze of ‘why did I do that’, ‘what am I going to do tomorrow’, ‘oh god I forgot to make lunch for work’, ‘what the heck is an “alert haze”‘ and, interestingly, a slight craving for some roti. Bear with me.

See, for those of you that don’t know, I am one of those foreigners with a non-English name. The romanised translation is, frankly, inaccurate, and I can assure you that no one in Australia (where I live) actually pronounces it correctly unless they speak fluent Mandarin. Now, to be fair, I care about the proper pronunciation of my name about as much as I cared when a coworker told me about the rigours they endured to obtain the missing part for their blender , or something (I wasn’t paying attention because I didn’t care). And, if I’m honest, I’m probably more likely to respond to the English pronunciation of my name than the correct Chinese way these days. But on the other hand, I was quite bemused when an exchange student with an American accent tried pronouncing my name and was laughed at by someone else for ‘saying it funny’. When I pointed out that, technically, no one in the room was actually pronouncing it ‘correctly’, all of my friends were shocked and resolved to pronounce my name correctly for all of fifteen minutes before, I dunno, we got drunk or something. Memories from the beginnings of semesters at uni are a bit hazy for me.

It did, however, get me thinking about this. What is the correct way of translating a name? Unlike other words, many names cannot be translated across languages directly. Of course, most people try to make a carbon copy of a name in their own language, but practically, the pronunciation is probably going to be a bit off, like Hank Yoo trying to fit in with the white supremacists – I mean, you’re close, but you’re not really there. Listening to anyone who uses English as a second language would tell you that there are fundamental differences in pronunciation between languages that take years to overcome, so it really isn’t that surprising. Of course, so long as you try, you’ve, well, tried (I’m on a roll tonight), so no one can hold it against you if you end up getting it wrong. I certainly wouldn’t, and this isn’t really the thing I have an issue with.

What I do have an issue with, though, is instances like the one I described earlier, where an English speaker (or any language really) has such little awareness to the point they actually try to lecture other people on the pronunciation of a name from a language they don’t speak. Their pronunciation being ‘closer’ to the real one isn’t a good enough reason. A copy of the Mona Lisa with a frown is ‘closer’ to the original than a copy with two heads but that doesn’t make it accurate, and Mr Frown sure as heck doesn’t have any right to tell anyone else what they’re doing wrong. And this happens quite a lot. I’ve had people literally try to tell me how to pronounce Szechuan and feng shui, the absurdity of which I’m sure you’d immediately understand, but there are also less obvious examples, like correcting others on the pronunciation of French names such as Gare du Nord. Now, I’m sorry, do you speak French to the level that Parisians can’t tell the difference between you and a local? And if not, how are you managing to feel smug about French pronunciation?

To be honest, I just find a coworker annoying because they do this all the time. You just read four paragraphs of me venting about them. On the plus side though, I’m pretty sleepy now. Ergh, what am I going to do for lunch tomorrow?

-Z

On the Origin of Faeces

or how I learned to stop worrying and learned to love the shitpost

Unfortunately this article doesn’t contain any fascinating tidbits on the history of memes. I just wanted an excuse to use that title, and show offpractice coding HTML.

We all love a good shitpost every now and then, and at other times too. Even when its inappropriate. Is it natural that society has come full circle to embrace all that mocks, only for the sake of mocking? Is it a devolution of the internet and society, or a coming of age? What is the true meaning of doge?

alright, that’s my job done. Have a good week.

-W

Laserwash automatic car wash review.

As we live in the future it is important to try as many automated things as possible. to misquote Ken Brockman; “I for one welcome our new robot overlords.” one of these is the automatic car wash. Today’s article is purely an attempt for me to justify having paid to go through a car wash.

It is common knowledge that the model tee mini morris car came in any colour so long as it’s black. But why this was so is less well known. It is because the advent of the tire was replacing the shoe as the main mode of human transport. This got shoe shine unions in a right fit and the little orphans demanded something to shine. Hence cars early colour scheme.

“shine your car black guvna!”

Anyway, skip to the future and we have robots to do that for us. I tried one the other week. it was a laserwash 3000 or something, built by skynet purely for my convenience. I don’t know why I like automatic car washes. There is something about those silly big machines that I find appealing. Probably because they’re somewhat futuristic.

That’s probably why I was dissapointed a little with the laserwash. It gave a pretty good flashing lights robo-wash, however there weren’t actual lasers. Pity.

_W

Pokemon Go is the Tomagotchi of tomorrow TODAY

Yo!Yo!mon

Software might cause mass excitement, but it hasn’t formed the same kind of temporary childish fads as hardware toys have. That is, until recently. things like Yoyos, Beyblades, Tomagotchis etc. are these little, relatively inexpensive curios which everyone gets excited about and has a lot of fun with, mainly through riding the hype wave. this hasn’t really happened for software though. Curios which match the requirements exist; snake for instance was a great little mobile phone gem, but it didn’t have hype behind it, you just had it on your phone. Games which were hyped were generally larger affairs. They gradually lost appeal with age as expected or if they weren’t received poorly.

Fads are different. They rely on a bunch of people getting into some little thing in a big way. like how you can go nuts for gravy because its the hip thing all your friends are doing and suddenly you can’t go to school without your gravy sachet. It’s all over in a month or two though. Gravy is no longer cool. This is the pattern with things like tomagotchi’s, magic jumping beans and collectible human teeth, and notably Pokemon Go.

Pokemon Go has heralded a new era of fads. It is the first really hyped piece of software which people could be seen carrying around in the street and using. At least it was fun to think you could tell who was catching a Bulbasaur in the park at 3:30am as opposed to who was just texting their dealer. Tomagotchis were physical units, and so were gameboys. Though they were popular, gameboy ownership and use wasn’t so ubiquitous as to lead people to feel like they could tell what people were playing on the street with their handheld. It probably was pokemon though, come to think of it.

Pokemon Go runs on smartphone platforms. These really are ubiquitous. computers are now integrated into our daily physical lives. We carry them with us and use them while talking to people we don’t want to listen to in real life. Because they don’t need us to sit down or go to them to use them. Smartphones really have become social.

Things like tinder and facebook are popular, hyped and trendy. These however have altered the way we live more permanently than a fad. They have coined terms in society such as “social media” and “dating apps.” Terms devised so that, not quite young enough to be milenials, can convince older employers that they really are out of touch and need more “strategic development if they goal to progress sustainability into the future moving forward,” in order to steal someones job.

Angry birds might have been a fad but it was more or less a gameboy game on a phone. I’d say it just about qualifies apart from the social aspect. Pokemon Go was something people talked about going out of their way to do. It was something that people would jump on the bandwagon of, and it was hyped before and after release by the users. People wanted to hang out with people just to go take a gym or beat up that man over there with the brief case who looks like he might have just taken the gym back but could be telling his kids that he’s on his way to their birthday party but is assuming that really worth the risk?

A piece of software becoming a fad opens up a whole realm of possibilities like… damn, now I have to think of something so that I sound like I’m really insightful. More augmented reality? Nah, you’re right. but I guess the running out of steam is another feature of fads which Pokemon Go displays.

I hope the next one is a yoyo app which convinces you to drop your phone. Wait, no, that’s a bad idea.

-W

Das Bootiful

If you’ve not seen it yet I’m going to spoil this film for you, and don’t be all “ooh, I’m not going to watch it anyway so I can read this, you’re not my MOOOAAAWWWMMMM.” you’re not going to get anything out of that kind of rebellious attitude. So go to your room and watch Das Boot!

If you didn’t figure it out, I’m going to review Das Boot, because I saw it on netflix. That’s right, expensive TV. It’s the highly lauded movie about claustrophobia awareness raising professional murderers in the 194Os. The numerical keys are starting to break on my budget laptop, please excuse me.

So on to the spoilage. This movie left me crying like a soggy pineapple in a sinking submarine. This keyboard is just getting worse. Now the escape and DELETE keys are broken. As I was writing, this is the movie that makes people weep for dead Nazi’s. #tearsforfascists. the film perfectly portrays the life of people who do rapid vessel disassembly as a profession. By perfectly I mean entertainingly and by vessel I mean boat. It’s all in the title; “Das” meaning “the” and “Boot” meaning “boat-shoes.”

The characters are lovable, including the Boot, and then they get killed at the end like its nothing. This is why I don’t believe in the vigilante punching of Nazi’s. Not even to get on TV.

The broken keyboard has won. See the movie.

-W

p.s. That polly was right, submarines really are the spaceships of the ocean.